Pro-Tip #3 – The Art of Texting and Interpreting

For someone like me who avoids social encounters as much as possible, texting is the only outlet that I allow myself to use mostly because both the participants have the option to leave the conversation without scratching each other’s eyes out. I had written a post earlier named ‘Call me maybe‘ where I rant about how annoying WhatsApp is and how it needs to be destroyed for the well being of our future generation. Well, in this post, I’m going to teach you the art of texting and interpreting, in case you didn’t take my advice and continue to ruin all your relationships. Consider this to be a part of a pro-tip series that I have decided to officially start (and unofficially already started) where I basically tell you how to live your life. You’re welcome.

So listen up, bitch! (get it? You’re my bitch now).

There are some standard responses (both words & emoticons) that you can use in certain situations and guess what!? – you don’t have to strain those brain muscles.

Examples :-

1. Forwards, which are remotely funny or supposed to be “funny” have to be responded with a mandatory ‘haha’ or ‘Lol’, whichever suits your style. I prefer the old school ‘hehe’ followed by ‘ 😛 ‘.

2. Close to the end of the conversation, you are at a loss of words or topics to talk about. A great filler at this time would be ‘hmmm’, ‘okay’, ‘uh-huh’ or ‘ 🙂 ‘. That way you get to have the last word and walk away from the conversation without actually being the one who ended the convo.

Moving on to something less standard and more subjective…

1. The amount of short forms you use while texting is to some extent related to your mood. For example if you write ‘good morning’, you are in a better mood as compared to if you just write ‘gm’. This knowledge comes handy if that other person is your boss and you were planning to ask him/her for a 2 week paid leave.

2. When somebody tells you ‘brb’ after getting a sense from them that they don’t want to talk to you, its safe to assume that the conversation has come to an end and he/she will not be coming back anytime soon. So, you can go back to watching “ten effective ways of killing oneself” on YouTube.

3. There are some good hearted (aloknath level) people out there who feel guilty if they don’t respond to your message right away even after reading it. So to divert all that bad karma what they do is change their last seen preferences and now after the blue tick system has been implemented, they download some beta version of WhatsApp that allows you to keep your privacy intact (#FunFact). That’s a bad move my friend because now everyone who has been stalking your movements is gonna get pissed and in turn bitch about it behind your back, which may go something like this –

Stalker – “You know what!?, that bastard changed his last seen option and I don’t see no blue tick also. So, now I have to spend the rest of my pathetic life wondering when he came online and whether or not he read my messages. I have no purpose to live now *swallows the pill*

Or

Stalker – “He thinks he’s too good for WhatsApp eh! He doesn’t know that he is a bigger loser than me, who considers stalking his last seen movements as her sole excuse to wake up everyday. I have no purpose to live now *swallows the pill*

You notice a trend right?

4. There are some girls in your life, who you don’t talk to on a daily basis due to one or more of the following reasons (I’m talking to the guys here) :

– She has been friend zoned (yeah! It’s possible);
– She is fat, ugly and stupid; or
– She watches ‘Life OK’; or
– She is fat, ugly and stupid

So, if this particular chick decides to ping you after a long time for no reason, know that it is for you to check out her latest half naked display picture and yes, she expects a compliment.

So that was point no. 4 and I think writing 5 points is too mainstream so I’m out!

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